按 / Porn Site xHamster Announces Its Trump… and Ivanka

Names Performers for Bannon, Conway, DeVos Roles

CYPRUS — Fans of leading tube site xHamster have elected an amateur performer known only John Brutal to star as President Donald Trump in the company’s upcoming hardcore parody series. The would-be Trump’s first scene, Drain My Swamp, will be shot as the site has finalized supporting roles including Kellyanne Conway and Betsy DeVos.

“For a role this important, we couldn’t choose an establishment porn star,” says Alex Hawkins, Vice President of xHamster. “Brutal has it all: small hands, bad hair, and absolutely no experience. We’ll be flying him out to Los Angeles for his initial shoot in the next month, and will begin preparing for the next four years with him.”

Little is known about Brutal, whose ten-second audition tape features him calling his co-star a “pig” and “a horrible woman.” He won almost ten-times the number of votes of his competition.

"My fellow Americans, as your newly elected cumander in chief I want you to rest assured that I've got yuge plans for our great nation,” said Brutal. “I want to be the President of porn for all xHamster fans and I won't stop busting my ass (or busting on asses) until I've helped deliver the most wonderful, the most fantastic, the most beautiful scenes ever filmed. I mean big league cinema, okay?! Friends, trust me, place your sexual futures in my normal sized hands, and place some lube in yours; together...let's make America 'cum again."

Blair Williams has already signed on as Trump’s daughter, Ivanka. xHamster is still casting the other roles, but says it plans to offer Julia Ann the role of Kellyanne Conway, Nina Hartley as Betsy DeVos, Tommy Pistol as Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, Ron Jeremy as Steve Bannon, and Jenna Jameson the chance to play herself.

“This will be a parody production worthy of the Trump administration. While we have little indication that our man can perform the job, we’re confident that if we surround him with talented people, we’ll all get what we want. And if worse comes to worse, we’ll just have him stand around watching women pee on each other and tweeting. It’s a win-win.”